The Ferret Bueller Chronicles
by MysticalGoddessOfWords
Summary: Just what does Ferret Bueller think about living with a bunch of crazy geniuses and the pretty liaison who translates the world for them?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Scorpion. I'm just borrowing and playing with the characters for a while.

For those of you who have read my other stories here on FF, you know I recently took a hiatus from writing. This is my first attempt to get back into it - as well as my first Scorpion fan fiction.

I hope to get back to _Breathe Again_ , soon, but for now it's baby steps. Thanks to all of my readers for their kind words and good wishes.

* * *

This crazy short little one shot came from a wacky dream I had over the holidays and I couldn't get it out of my head. It may morph into more than a one shot if the inspiration strikes but for now this is it.

This is very different than most of my stories in format, length and rating... but my brain is working a little differently these days.

Dialogue in italics is verbatim from episode 02x12 – Dam Breakthrough. Everything else is Ferret Bueller's thoughts. I don't normally write in the 1st person but it seemed to fit this story better than 3rd. The story is very fast paced and if you haven't seen the episode it will make absolutely no sense. But if you have I hope you find it entertaining.

One thing to note… in the actual episode – Ferret Bueller did not have his hat on in the loft but was wearing it when Paige carried him down the ramp. Personally I think that was a wardrobe continuity oversight (because she definitely didn't have time to stop and put his hat on) so for purposes of this story… let's assume he had it on upstairs as well.

Thanks in advance for reading and if you're so inclined leave a review.

Enjoy!

* * *

 ** _The Ferret Bueller Chronicles_**

I can't believe they're making me wear this ridiculous hat!

 _"_ _I mean it's not a definitive failure."  
_  
All of you are supposed to be the most intelligent humans on the planet so why is it you don't realize my fur keeps me warm? On top of that we're in Southern California, not the South Pole. So why would any human or animal need a sweater hat like this in Los Angeles?

 _"_ _I have put some thought into this."_

In all honesty it's _her_ fault. She's the one who brought this hideously ugly piece of fabric to the garage yesterday and insisted I would look _cute_ in it. I almost thought you were on my side when you looked at her like she had three heads. But as usual, you didn't say no to her. You never seem to be able to say no to her.

 _"_ _What if there was a way to take technology and then…"_

Sure, she's pretty and she smells nice and her touch is always gentle, but come on, man. The least you could have done is _try_ to hold out against her. But noooooooo. She flutters those pretty brown eyes at you and starts speaking in that sweet voice of hers and you cave. Doesn't the "bro code" mean anything to you?

 _"_ _Um… are you on the phone?"_

Oh…. speaking of her voice…. there it is.

 _"_ _Huh? Nope."_

Why do his fingers always flex when she walks in the room?

 _"_ _Oh… so you're just talking to Ferret Bueller. Does he answer back?"_

Whoa…. Everything's moving.

 _"_ _Has Toby returned with my ammonium nitrate?"_

 _"_ _He did. Happy took it from him."_

Don't drop me now.

 _"_ _Okay."_

Whoa... He's on the move. And he's transferring me to one hand. I hate it when he does that.

 _"_ _It should be ready."_

I know I'm long and lanky but do you have to carry me like this, just letting my body hang as you grip me beneath my arms. How would you like someone to shove their fingers into your armpits and carry you around?

 _"_ _Hold that."_

Oomph! Oh, hey pretty lady. I like it when you smile at me. At least you hold me with both hands. Oh no… now you're holding me one handed. What's up with you people anyway?

 _"_ _Excuse me…um.."_

Mmmm… I like then you hold me against your chest like this…. so nice and soft and comfy.

 _"_ _Um…you do realize you were talking to yourself, right?"_

What is that you're putting on your head? That hat looks even more uncomfortable than mine.

 _"_ _I must have been running some calculations."_

Despite how much I hate my hat, I do love it when you toss me over your shoulder like this so I can bury my face in your neck.

 _"_ _Let's go. Let's go. Let's go."_

Yesssss... I love it when you stroke your fingers down my back like that. I think I just might forgive you as long as you never stop petting me like that.

Why don't you ever pet him like that? He could certainly use a good petting. I bet he'd stop muttering to himself all the time if you could just get your hands on him. Poor guy doesn't know what he's missing.

############

Oh boy, where are we going now? She's following him and we're heading down that big ramp again. Please don't drop me, pretty lady. Oh, how I wish they'd just let me run free around here. I could have so much fun if they let me out of those prison cages once in a while. Every time they let me out they insist on holding me or passing me around.

 _"_ _Whoa… where did this come from?"_

Well except when the kid puts me on a leash and takes me for a walk. That's always kind of fun.

 _"_ _It's my proprietary formula."_

Oh, look, the kid's here too. What the heck is he doing?

" _Now this non-melting snow project could be a massive windfall."_

He better not spray that fluffy white stuff at me or I might have to bite him the next time he holds me. Then again _she_ probably wouldn't like that. But what do I care? I'm not the one whose palms get all sweaty when she's close by.

 _"_ _Imagine every ski resort using non-melting snow to cover their mountains every seven or eight years. The patent could be worth billions. This is snow density test A-1. Now on the count of three give me a hard shove."_

I really wish she'd just put me down. And this hat is really making my ears itch.

 _"_ _Down a steep icy ramp? That would make me an accessory to homicide and ferret-cide."_

Oh she's handing me over to him again.

 _"_ _Or an assistant to a ground breaking discovery."_

Your hands aren't nearly as soft as hers. You need to use some of her lavender hand cream, dude. Just sayin'.

 _"_ _Now think positive."_

Oh…hey this looks like it might be fun. Are we going for a ride on this weird contraption? You better not crash. Maybe I should swap out my hat for one like yours.

 _"_ _Hey gather up. We've got an emergency."_

Oh the cranky one that likes to yell a lot is here. That always means I get tossed back into my prison and left alone.

 _"_ _And you… what the hell happened to my SUV?"_

 _"_ _Christmas…."_

Oomph... well it was good while it lasted. At least it looks like someone refilled my food and water. I guess I'll just eat and then bathe myself. My fur smells like _her_ hands and I need to get it off. I wonder if that's why he smells my fur sometimes. He tries to be discrete about it but it's still a little weird the way he always presses his nose to my fur after she hands me to him.

 _"_ _The situation is at the Augustine power station on Mount Baldy."_

Wait a second. Is my cage door open?

 _"_ _Yeah…that fifty foot pine uprooted and crushed the power station wall like it was made of sugar."_

He is really off his game lately. He never leaves my door open.

 _"_ _We'll be happy to help. Walter do you think…?"_

Wait. Where's the kid? This is my chance to make a break for it but he could completely blow it for me.

 _"_ _Mr. Woodbury, once we get there we can easily run system diagnostic. Happy check my engineering…"_

Oh good…. the kid's occupied with that game of his. And they're completely enthralled with what he's drawing on the blackboard.

I'm going for it.

################

Damn… this has been a great day. The kid's been occupied upstairs and I've had full run of the place. I hope he leaves my cage door open again. This freedom thing is the bomb. Oh hey…. I don't think I checked out these boxes earlier.

 _"_ _Bueller? Oh.."_

Oh no…. he found me. Whoa…. He's picking me up again. Damn…. quit jostling me so much."

 _"_ _I found him. It's okay."_

Oh no… here we go again… back to prison.

 _"_ _It's okay. It's okay, pal. Nice and safe."_

Dead ferret walking.

 _"_ _Who left the cage open?"_

You did, hot shot.

 _"_ _I'm pretty sure you were the last one to touch him."_

Why does everyone seem so on edge?

 _"_ _I closed the cage. I always close the cage."_

Not this time, you didn't, Einstein.

 _"_ _Okay. Well it's okay now cuz the ferret is safe."_

Oh hey… there you are again pretty lady. Wanna come calm him down please… he's making me nervous.

 _"_ _Well I could have lost her."_

Her? Hey Mr. 197…. I'm not a girl.

 _"_ _Don't any of you comprehend that? I don't want that!"_

Why's he yelling? He never yells.

 _"_ _I didn't want to lose her."_

You need to come over here and do something, pretty lady. I think he's losing it. Why don't you try petting him? Maybe that will calm him down.

 _"_ _I didn't want to lose her."_

Oh good. She's petting him. And he's letting her. Told ya you didn't know what you were missing.

 _"_ _I didn't want to lose my sister."_

Oh... well that's something new. He's petting her back. Don't pet her so hard, dude. You're squeezing her as tight as the kid does to me sometimes.

 _"_ _It's just… she was…. I miss her so much."_

Why'd you pull away? Just let her pet you. Although now you'll have to give yourself a bath to get her scent off you.

 _"_ _Oh… I'm sorry. This is unprofessional."_

Oh no... now everyone is around him and I can't see him anymore. Just stay away, all of you, and let her pet him. She's the one who can make it better. She always makes everything better.

 _"_ _Oh god."_

Push your way back in there pretty lady. He needs you even though he doesn't know it.

 _"_ _I have a great idea."_

Well clearly no one is listening to me so time for another bath, I guess.

At least no one seemed to notice I ditched that ridiculous hat.

* * *

Thanks again for reading.

I have another Scorpion one-shot I'm working on and I'll post it in the next week or so. As I oftentimes do... I'll give you a little sneak peek below. The story is set five years in the future. Ralph is fifteen and Walter and Paige have been together for just over four years.

Like all my other stories (except this one) it will have a Mature rating so you have been duly warned – although this sneak peek is tame.

Enjoy and Happy New Year everyone!

* * *

 **Sneak Peek**

"Why does it feel like you're more upset with me for not telling you Ralph asked me about sex, four years ago, than you are at him for trolling porn sites?"

Paige's brow furrowed. "I'm not upset with either of you."

Walter frowned as he gripped her hips and pulled her to stand between his legs. "I'm confused. What was this interrogation for then?"

Paige laughed softly and then sighed. "I wouldn't call it an interrogation. It's just that he's only fifteen. I know it was bound to happen eventually but I just wish it didn't happen for a few more years."

Walter shrugged as his fingers fiddled with the top button on her shirt, casually slipping it through the hole. "If it's any consolation he didn't visit many sites and they were all pretty tame for the most part. You can't access full porn without paying for it so he was just looking at amateur soft core. There were a few sex sites but clearly he's got an obsession with breasts because that was the majority of what he watched."

Paige sighed again. Her baby boy was no longer a baby and she wasn't quite sure how to deal with that.

"I can't blame him," Walter murmured as his fingers deftly released yet another button on the front of her shirt, exposing more of her flesh to his gaze. "I'm quite partial to breasts too."

"Is that so?" Paige laughed as she looked down at his hands.

"Well one pair of breasts, anyway," Walter's tongue peeked between his teeth as he brushed his fingertips over the soft swell of the inside of Paige's right breast.

He swallowed as his eyes darkened and the look on his face made Paige gasp softly. When he looked at her like that she always felt like her body would burst into flames.

"My eyes are up here," she murmured has her hands reached down and tugged on the hem of his t-shirt.

Walter's lips curved into a mischievous grin but he raised his arms without question and allowed her to remove the cotton fabric from his body.

"Will you talk to him about it?" she asked as she combed her fingers through his short hair. "I could ask Toby but god only knows what kinds of twisted things he'd tell my baby."

Walter snorted as he gripped her hips again and pulled her closer so he could brush his nose against the soft skin between her breasts. He inhaled and let the soft, familiar scent invade his nostrils. It made every muscle in his body clench with need. "You want me to talk to him about porn? I don't think I'm the best person for that. Porn was never something that interested me."

Paige looked surprised. "Are you telling me Walter O'Brien never watched porn?"

"I didn't say that. I just didn't find it stimulating and it was an inefficient use of my time to watch something that didn't stimulate my mind."

Paige's lips curved upward into a sultry grin. "Porn isn't meant to stimulate your mind, Walter," she purred as she straddled his legs and plopped down on his thighs. She slid her arms over his shoulders and leaned forward, brushing her lips against the shell of his ear as she breathed her next words.

"It's meant to stimulate your body."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Scorpion. I'm just borrowing and playing with the characters for a while.

So I've decided to make this a true "chronicles" series. Short one-shots as they are inspired by the events on the show. And the video in _White Out_ was just too good to pass up.

Unlike chapter one – only two lines of dialogue in this story are verbatim from episode 02x13 – _White Out_. The rest are from my imagination… just like Ferret Bueller's thoughts.

Thanks to all of you who read and reviewed the first chapter. It makes me happy that you are enjoying my craziness.

Enjoy!

* * *

 ** _The Ferret Bueller Chronicles – Chapter 2_**

Ohhh… the indignity of it all!

What is it with you and hats anyway? I'm now beginning to think I harbored resentment toward the pretty lady in error. Maybe I should hold you culpable for that ridiculous itchy hat.

 _"_ _Hold still, will you…. let me just finish tying this knot."_

Ow…. you're tying my fur in that. I think the kid is making a huge mistake asking you to help him learn how to tie knots. You suck at it.

 _"_ _There. See it's not so bad."_

Says the guy who _doesn't_ have a frilly white hat on his head. I feel like I'm on Little House on the Prairie…. Oh wait you probably don't know that reference, do you? You really should start watching Me-TV with me the shrink… it has some cool classic shows.

 _"_ _Now stand there so I can film you."_

What is this thing? Wait…. I recognize this. The other pretty lady is gonna skin you alive when she finds out you took her stuff. I won't be an accomplice to this. I'm outta here. Oomph.

 _"_ _Will you hold still already? Just stand behind the counter and pretend like you're cooking."_

I think I liked you better when you were a muttering lunatic.

 _"_ _What can I use to get you to stand still?"_

Well for starters you could take this stupid hat off me. A ferret's head needs to be free. Then you could stop trying to exploit me for personal gain.

 _"_ _Here. Have some of Paige's cupcake batter. Why did she leave this in the fridge anyway?"_

There are such things as animal cruel….ohhh…. hey… wait a minute. What is this? Yum! This tastes sweet. Why haven't you ever given this to me before? The pretty lady sometimes gives me strawberries but this is much better.

 _"_ _Good ferret. Just keep doing that."_

Yum…yum….yum.

 _"_ _I am a ferret. Making a meal."_

And you are a freak who really needs to get laid. Yum…yum…yum. But you're my human freak and my best friend. The sweet stuff is gone. I'll take some more please.

 _"_ _Let's try this again. I am a ferret. Making a meal."_

Dude…. What part of I'll take some more please doesn't your dense brain understand?

 _"_ _Hello?"_

Oh… that sounds like the pretty lady. Is it that time of day already?

 _"_ _Shit!"_

Whoa… what are you doing? You really shouldn't jerk me around like that; especially after I eat. I'll barf on you.

 _"_ _Walter?"_

Hey. Watch it. You don't have to be so rough. You almost took my head off with that hat. And what the heck are you doing? Do you really think shoving all that doll furniture into a bag is gonna hide it from her?

 _"_ _What are you doing to Ferret Bueller?"_

Oh there go your fingers flexing again. If you want to touch her so bad, man up and tell her how you feel already.

 _"_ _Nothing. I was just about to get his breakfast. What are you doing here so early? And where's Ralph?"_

Who cares where the kid is. He's not the one who makes your palms sweat. Speaking of…. eww this feels gross.

 _"_ _Billy's mom took them to the San Diego Natural History Museum. They left early so I figured I'd come in early too. Here let me take him while you get his food."_

Yeah… hand me over to her already. I need my snuggles. Well good morning, pretty lady. Mmmm…. you really do give the best hugs. I think I'm just gonna snuggle up right here on my favorite pillows. No wonder I always catch him staring at them longingly… they really are comfy.

 _"_ _Why does the ferret smell like cake batter?"_

Let's see you get out of this one.

 _"_ _Huh?"_

That's all the fourth smartest person on the planet can come up with?

 _"_ _Have you been giving him my cupcake batter?"_

Oh wait… was that heavenly sweetness your concoction?

 _"_ _Only a little."_

I think I love you. Only an angel could make something so sweet.

 _"_ _You can't do that Walter. Ferrets can't digest sugars."_

 _"_ _You give him strawberries."_

Shut up man! Now she's gonna stop doing that.

 _"_ _The vet said a small piece of a strawberry once in a while is okay but that batter is just sugar and grain, which are really bad for his digestion."_

Yes… listen to the vet. Strawberries are good for ferrets. Oh hey… what's down here?

 _"_ _Why is Ferret Bueller sticking his head down the front of your shirt?"_

Because it's nice and warm and soft down here. You should try it sometime. Oh wait, that's right, you're a cowardly emotional dumpster fire. Hehehe… that shrink has some great nicknames for you.

 _"_ _I don't know why he does that."_

Because I'm small enough to maneuver my way in and I know a good thing when it's right in front of me.

 _"_ _Does he do that a lot?"_

Jealous much? This could be you if you just got your head out of your ass. Aw… come on now…. don't pull me out. Oomph! Oh… but this is just as good. Now I can snuggle up under your hair. Mmmmmm….. you always smell so good, pretty lady.

 _"_ _What are you doing, you silly ferret?"_

Just making myself comfortable. Don't mind me.

 _"_ _We should put him back in his cage so he can eat."_

You had to go and ruin it. Green is not your color, Mr. 197.

 _"_ _Well he doesn't smell like cupcake batter anymore. Now he smells like my perfume."_

You have such a nice laugh, pretty lady.

 _I don't have much paperwork to catch up on this morning so I guess maybe I should give him his weekly bath. His face is a little sticky."_

I am capable of bathing myself.

 _"_ _No! I'll do it."_

Real smooth, Casanova.

 _"_ _Okay…. But I though you didn't like giving him his bath."_

No… don't hand me back to him. He's just going to squeeze me with those sweaty palms of his.

 _"_ _It's inefficient to give a ferret a bath. Ferrets bathe themselves."_

Didn't I just say that?

 _"_ _People assume that ferrets are dirty, odorous animals. But in a hygienic, indoor environment they will keep themselves as clean as an indoor cat."_

That lame explanation will totally keep her from figuring you out. Are you really sure your IQ is 197? And there goes the finger flexing. Dude… you are so predictable.

 _"_ _Well if you don't mind him smelling like me all day…"_

How can you not know that he's completely obsessed with the way you smell? Maybe even more than me.

 _"_ _He'll be fine."_

I just love it when people talk about me like I'm not here. NOT!

 _"_ _Well I'll just find something to do at my desk then. Do you want me to take that bag out to the trash in the back?_

She's gonna totally bust you now. I can't wait to see how you get out of this.

 _"_ _No. It's not trash. There are several experimental components in it."_

Really? That's all you could come up with? And is that all I am to you now….. an experiment? I take it back…. you're not my best friend.

 _"_ _Okay."_

I can't believe she fell for that. Awww… don't go pretty lady. You know, one of these days she's gonna catch you checking her out when she walks away.

And there you go…. sniffing me again. You seriously need help.

* * *

Okay… back to the other one shot. Thanks again for reading and if you're so inclined leave a review. I do love to read them.


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